You know those days where you forget how to tell time so you are late for everything, and then you forget how to dress so you wear pink or red on plaid on stripes, and then you also forget how to talk to people so you accidentally bring up the show you are watching on Netflix to every human who you talk to, and then you forget to pack a lunch (and you forget a wallet) so by the end of the day you hate everything?
Anyone? Anyone?
Me either.
I actually have had this day every day pretty much for the last two weeks. I mean, not all of them have had all elements of the crap day described above, but most of them have had most of the elements. I had a doctor's appointment about 2.5 weeks ago where I found out:
1. I have two pulled muscles in my hip and am in a ton of pain for an indefinite amount of time. 2. Baby's amniotic fluid is low and if it doesn't get higher, there will be really scary complications. 3. My pelvis is tilted which means everything I do is going to hurt really, really bad for the next 4 months of my life. 4. Obviously, I can't run the St. George marathon and I have to watch it and hate everyone and probably just cry.
And can I tell you something? Provo is not the place to be if your body is falling apart. Everyone is so happy, frolicking around with their friends without torn hips and low amniotic fluid, and I legitimately give dirty looks to anyone who is frolicking.
I'm kinda kidding, I don't give nasty looks. I just say hateful things under my breath.
On top of this, I'm a full-time student and my classes this semester are really hard. And I'm working way too much. And I never see my husband. And that's all of my list.
The past few weeks I have learned some valuable lessons through the sucky days. It is okay to not be okay, and it is okay to be sad sometimes. Everywhere we look, there are advertisements and paths for how to be HAPPY, and there is this massive emphasis placed on how to be HAPPY NOW and ALL THE TIME. I'm all about optimism, but I think it is actually probably a good thing to be really sad and stressed every once in a while. Actually, I think it is incredibly important to feel it all.
I remember talking to my friend Kat when I was about 17, saying "Kat, I just want to be happy all the time." Her response: "Wow, that would be so depressing." In my 17 year old mind, I was like whatever, but I'm learning that sometimes saying to yourself: I am sad today. I'm still going to be nice, and I'm still going to do my best, but if my best today isn't excellent, it's okay. I'm going to let myself feel sad today. There is nothing wrong with me if I don't feel happy all the time.
We all know people who share way too much about the bad parts of their lives all the time, and this isn't what I'm suggesting. I am married to an eternal optimist, and it is one of my favorite qualities about him. (Most of the time. Unless I'm grumps, and then he knows to tone it back a notch or two or fifty.) I guess for so many years of my life, actually until pretty recently, I thought people would only like me if I was happy Kaylee, so I was always happy Kaylee. IT IS FREAKING EXHAUSTING. I also think it made me a little fake and probably depressed people.There shouldn't be any guilt or any feeling that you are doing something wrong if you are super bummed.
Anyone? Anyone? Haha me either.
Good days are good. Bad days can be good too.
All of my love, unless you are running through Provo with your best friends purely joyfully,
Kaylee