Today is my first year wedding anniversary! This is absolutely a day worth celebrating for me and Branden, because I truly feel that marriage is the most wonderful, celestial thing on earth.
This being said, I think anyone who has been married can agree that the first year is definitely a year full of learning. (And, I'm assuming, all of the years after.) I've put together a list that I have been thinking of for quite some time of the biggest things I've learned in a year of being married. Obviously, I'm no marriage expert, so I speak only from my own 365 days of experience.
1. Freaking have fun.
There is a lot to be stressed about most of the time for your whole life. Some people freak out. Some people go get ice cream and laugh it off. Branden is teaching me how to just have fun.
2.. Fighting isn't bad. Being mean is bad.
When old couples say "We haven't been in a fight in the 50 years we've been married!," I always think: "Wow. Neither of you must have any personality."
Branden and I have learned together that disagreeing respectfully is valuable. Of course it is important to keep tempers in check, to speak kindly, etc... Marriage wouldn't be what it is without differences in background, differences of opinion, and differences of expression. Who better than to kindly call you on something than your spouse? And who better to help you think of something in a new light than your spouse? Fighting about something can be very useful, and I wish people would stop putting "agreeing" on a pedestal. You don't have to think like someone to love them completely.
3.. Don't criticize your spouse, ever, ever, ever, to anyone on the outside.
Here's the thing: my parents would probably always take my side if I told them about a recent argument I had with Branden. (Actually, they really love Branden. They would probably tell me I was being a drama queen babe.) But my friends would definitely take my side. And if Branden went and told his friends about some argument, they would probably have a good hate-on-Kaylee fest. And in any relationship made up of two humans, there are plenty of things to criticize on both sides. But this is your very own marriage--not yours and your spouses and your families and all your friends.
4. Use your words
I can't count how many times a day Branden and I tell each other "I love you." It's probably embarrassingly cheesy. But I truly believe little expressions of love mean everything in a marriage. I know that Branden loves me, but every time he tells me, I feel reinforced and important. Tell me your appreciate me, you love me, and I am your one and only. I'll do the same for you, and then we will be sure to never forget it.
5. Put your spouse first, even when you really don't want to.
I think out of everything, this is the one that makes the most difference, at least in my own marriage. I know every time I'm tired or frustrated, I pretty much have a choice. I can be selfish and demand attention and pity (which inevitably ends in someone being frustrated) or I can do something nice for Branden (which almost always ends in me and him feeling better.) I'm sad to say I haven't always chosen the latter; this is maybe the hardest one for both Branden and I. As Branden says, "Marriage means no more 'woe is me.'"
5. Pick your battles based on what actually matters
I'm pretty sure Branden and I would have had a lot more "unimportant" or useless fights if he said something every time I did something idiotic. One time, Branden and I got in this stupid fight over who was right about the price of jelly beans or something. Don't do this. You end up actually getting mad and then you don't remember why but you remember forever that YOU WERE RIGHT.
6. Be faithful in every way
It is a fading belief that marriage is forever, but it is one that I am very committed to. It doesn't matter if I'm mad at Branden, if we hit a rough patch (even one that lasts years) or if I turn emo or something. We are in this forever, both of us, and that means being completely transparent with each other.
7. It is the tiny little things
I had such a hard time at the beginning of our marriage with Branden leaving for work at 5 in the morning. I missed him, and I didn't get to see him until late at night. Even then, it was only for a few minutes and then we were on to homework and a million countless other things. I felt like I was married and never got to see my spouse. Branden started writing me notes every morning. I would wake up and read the corner of a ripped piece of chemistry homework paper telling me to have an amazing day. This meant everything to me.
8. You won't change when you get married
Okay, that's a little bit of a lie. You will change, but your insecurities won't disappear and you will still do the annoying things you did before. Marriage isn't a means to find someone who will make you "happy." You make you happy, and that person compliments the happiness and confidence that you create within yourself.
9. The best thing you can do for your spouse is to emotionally be in a good place
I need me time. I need time to get myself together, to take a bath, to read a book, to do yoga, and to chill. I have learned that when I take a few extra minutes every day to take care of myself, I am able to more fully give to Branden all that he needs.
10. Love your spouse without qualification
It is a strange thing. When you are with someone as often as you are in marriage, you get to know their weaknesses, quirks, flaws, and shortcomings pretty quickly.
For example, I am very impatient. Branden is the epitome of patience. I can communicate extremely well. Branden was pretty bad at communicating when we got married.
We had to give each other space to be human and learn. Accepting someone means that your love is truly unconditional.
Branden is the champion at this. I always felt that when I reached a golden standard of "good" or "good enough" I would then be worth spending money, time, and love on. It turns out that when you are married, and in a good marriage, you don't really have to do anything other than be your own kind of "good" to qualify for all of the love in the world. Knowing this has given me a huge surge of confidence in myself, and has also given Branden confidence in the dreams he is pursuing. It is pretty cool to know that someone loves you just for being alive.
Feel free to add to this list in the comments below!
Here's the thing: my parents would probably always take my side if I told them about a recent argument I had with Branden. (Actually, they really love Branden. They would probably tell me I was being a drama queen babe.) But my friends would definitely take my side. And if Branden went and told his friends about some argument, they would probably have a good hate-on-Kaylee fest. And in any relationship made up of two humans, there are plenty of things to criticize on both sides. But this is your very own marriage--not yours and your spouses and your families and all your friends.
